How to Spot a Canadian

Tracking down Canadians one toque at a time.

About this Site...

Canadians are a tricky people to distinguish. They are often able to blend into a society and appear to be American, British, French or any other number of nationalities. This site will provide you with some tips and tricks to help you recognize a Canadian no matter where you are.

 

This site is for entertainment purposes only. "How to Spot a Canadian" is filled with humour, satire, hyperbole, parody and sarcasm. All statements here should be taken with a grain of salt or a bottle of maple syrup, whatever the case may be.

Sh*t Canadians Say

We didn't make this, but it feels like it fits into this blog nicely:

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Hockey is Like Everything... Really

One common Canadian stereotype is that all Canadians like hockey. Obviously that's not true. There are probably some Canadians out there somewhere who don't like hockey, just like there are probably some Americans who don't like college football. However, these people are very difficult to find and even if we did find them, we wouldn't want to get to know them. Who do they think they are anyway, refusing to give in to a stereotype?

The good news is that you don't even need to worry about finding these Canadians at all. Canadian hockey fans more than overcompensate for those who don't enjoy the sport. And when we say "overcompensate" we mean "go freakin' nuts whenever hockey is discussed at any level."

No where is ludicrous display of obsession more obvious than when Team Canada plays in a tournament. Any tournament. "Team Canada" is a truly uniting force in this country. Sure, Canadian hockey fans spend most of their time fighting out brutal rivalries between Montreal and Toronto, Calgary and Edmonton and Vancouver and not burning stuff after a loss, but international hockey is different. These tournaments allow Canadians to get together and join in a united front.

They allow the people of Canada the chance to wave their flags and paint their faces and sing the national anthem in true drunken glory. Normally Canadians shy away from being patriotic, but not when international hockey is concerned. When it comes to hockey, Canadians are willing to do anything to support the team.

But they don't just offer support. You see, when you're "Team Canada" you're expected to win. That guy who painted his body to look like a Canadian flag isn't hoping for a good showing or a competitive run that comes close to victory. He wants his team to win. He wants to celebrate over the battered bodies of his enemies with an unhealthy dose of poutine, Canadian beer and showmanship.

That means that every single aspect of any team representing Canada is analyzed extensively. Is Hockey Canada choosing a bunch of under 20 year-olds to play a sport? Yes? Well there had better be a ridiculous amount of over the top coverage! Canadians wouldn't have it any other way. And if these kids lose the game? Prepare for meltdown.
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Coffee Is Very Serious Business

We've mentioned before how anything Tim Hortons does is treated with great fanfare and attention and that trend continues.

Canadian coffee chain Tim Hortons is going to specialty coffee drinks. A coffee shop selling coffee? No big deal, right? WRONG. It is big news in Canada.

How big of a deal is it? The story was discussed on the national news. Not during the business section, not during the life section. No, it was reported during the news segment of the national news. On several networks including CTV and CBC. The Globe & Mail and the Toronto Star gave the story big coverage as well.

This story got so much attention across Canada that you would have thought Celine Dion and Justin Bieber were taking a canoe guided by beavers to a maple syrup factory. Okay... that's pushing the stereotypes a bit. But you get the point.

Also, we're back! =)

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Sorry! I want to bring the site back though!

Sorry everyone! I know it's very Canadian of me to apologize, but I am very sorry for basically abandoning this site.

I'd really like to bring it back in the near future. I'm going to start thinking of new ideas and hopefully the blog posts will resume on a regular basis in the near future.

If you have any suggestions for good ways to spot Canadians, post them in the comments! With your help we can track down and identify as many Canadians as possible.

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Their Summer Lasts About 10 Minutes

If you were ever going to rank oxymorons in terms of relevance, "Canadian summer" would be at the top of your list.

Everyone knows that Canadian winters are cold. It's not uncommon to see your breath turn into ice the moment it leaves your mouth. Cold and Canada are synonymous, everyone knows that. However, what you may not know about Canada is that summers there last about 10 minutes. Depending on what part of the country you're looking at, sometimes if you blink for too long, you'll miss the entire season.

A good way to spot a Canadian is to tell them that summer lasts three months. If they instantly turn into a confused, stuttering mess, you'll know that they are a Canadian.

In Canada summer realistically lasts about a month. And that's in a good year. This year Toronto had about one week of summer weather. It's hot during the summer, but the heat doesn't normally last long enough to give the average Canadian a chance to climb out of the three parkas they've been wearing for the last eleven months.

However, don't think that the short summer means there is nine months of spring and fall either, because that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Fall and spring don't exist in Canada. They are simply called "early winter" and "late winter." In these two seasons it's still cold, just not cold enough to build an igloo in the middle of a downtown street. It is however cold enough that vistors to Canada think Canadians live in some weird hemisphere and that winter takes place at during different months there.

Winter in Canada, as has already been discussed, is cold enough that only the heartiest Canadians survive it each year. Bagged milk has been known to freeze solid for several months and beavers relocate their dams into the local Tim Hortons during the winter months.

In case you're wondering, summer in Canada is already over.
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Some More Ways That People Found This Site

We did this once before and people seemed to like it.
Here are some of the search terms people have used to find this site recently:

  • pioneer gas money still used?

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  • toronto is one of the largest city in canda if I coould live in toronto my life would be like

  • rusty the rooster this hour has 22 min

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  • What is the Tragically Hip song CBC Hockey Night In Canada used for a theme song?

  • hate toronto

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  • are canadians polite

  • why are canadians so proud of their country

  • Mr Dressup Passed away

  • do canadians feel hockey is own by tim hortons

  • how much do you get for canadian tire purchase in canadian tire money

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  • Americans are touchy

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A Doughnut Shop Opening in New York is a Huge Canadian Story

We're back.

We couldn't resist this one.



Tim Hortons has taken Manhattan.

The once-again Canadian company has expanded into New York City.

And Canadians couldn't be more proud. Newspapers and television programs presented the news as if it were a successful Canadian invasion. And, in a way, it was. Not since the War of 1812 have Canadians felt so proud and victorious when entering the United States.

Maybe now Americans won't give us strange looks and point us to a basketball court when we ask for a "double-double."

Tim Hortons is an icon in Canada and, in a world where American companies have invaded almost every aspect of Canadian life, Tim Hortons opening in New York City represents a rare victory for Canadians.

In fact, if Canada really wants to claim victory over New York here's a simple plan they could use: After about six months they should suddenly close all of the Timmies in NYC. By that point New Yorkers will be hopelessly addicted to the coffee and fatty treats. Suddenly taking it all away will weaken them severely. That's when the Canadians can strike.

Tim Hortons: the first shot in the war against America.

It sounds good, doesn't it?

Of course, it will be hard for Canadians to fight while they're full of Timbits.
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Do you have your own unique way of spotting Canadians? If you'd like to share it with us, please contact us by email. We're always looking for new tips!