So, to deal with this problem and avoid having to think up too many original ideas, Canadians have taken to having “Canadian Versions” of their favourite shows.

Do you like American Idol? That’s great! You’ll love Canadian Idol! Are you a fan of Deal of No Deal? Well wait until you see Deal or No Deal Canada!

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: Canadian Edition, So You Think You Can Dance Canada, Project Runway Canada. They’re all there and they’re all trying to be like their international counterparts.

But it doesn’t stop with shows. No, Canadians take entire networks and create Canadian versions. Ever watch MTV Canada? Neither has anyone else. (Except maybe the writers of 30 Rock.)

Of course these networks are nothing but bastardized versions, created to calm the Canadians down before they riot through the igloos of Toronto, brandishing snow shoes and screaming for more poutine. They’re not any good. MTV Canada doesn’t even have a license to play music (not that the actual MTV plays any music these days.)

But Canadians, in their quest to be something more than maple syrup-loving dog sledders, have taken it a step further. They’ve created “rip off channels” that pretend to be like famous international stations.

Canadians don’t get Showtime but they can watch Showcase. In Canada you can’t watch Comedy Central but you can spend as long as you want tuning into The Comedy Network. And so it goes on.

This disturbing trend has even moved out of the realm of television and into other forms of entertainment. Canadians can get their Internet services provided to them by AOL Canada which, yes, stands for “America Online Canada.” It doesn’t make sense to anyone so don’t ask.

Those Canadians are definitely a confusing bunch, which is why it is often so difficult to spot them.

Using the knowledge you just learned, however, will give you an advantage.

If you suspect someone of being Canadian just sit them down and have them watch substandard versions of international programming. A true Canadian will feel right at home and maybe even give you a “This show’s pretty good, eh?”

Then you will know that you’ve found a Canadian.

The remarkable thing about Canadians is that it’s never too cold to do anything. In the coldest, darkest, nuclear winter-like days you’ll find Canadians outside skating, playing hockey and chasing beavers. Maybe the free health care gives Canadians the confidence to head outside in conditions that cause even thermometers to freeze. Maybe it’s the stronger Canadian beer. Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen in the Canadian Rockies. Whatever it is, Canadians are not afraid of the cold. They are, however, afraid of bears. I’ve made that mistake before and it didn’t end well.

Since Canadians are so used to frigid temperatures, what’s considered “cold” in the rest of the world is considered “mild” in Canada. (Note, what’s considered “mild” in the rest of the world is considered “hot” in Canada. The rest of the world’s “hot” is non-existent in Canada and is instead replaced by more cold.) It’s common to hear a Canadian refer to a late December day as “nice outside” and a January snow storm as “not bad today.”

Also, Canadian temperature is measured in Celsius, which makes temperatures appear even colder to those in the United States. Many are convinced that this is a Canadian trick, used to fool Americans into thinking that Canadians are much more adapted to cold than they actually are. As we’ve stated before, Canadians are a very tricky people.

One of the best ways to spot a Canadian is to throw them outside in relatively cold weather. If they complain about the cold they are not really Canadian. If they immediately start making snow angels and organizing shinny games, they are truly Canadian. If they suffer frostbite and need medical attention, it may actually be too cold outside and you should probably give them their clothes back. Then take them to a hospital. If they’re Canadian the health coverage will be free (this is another great way to identify a Canadian which we will cover later.)