How to Spot a Canadian

Tracking down Canadians one toque at a time.

About this Site...

Canadians are a tricky people to distinguish. They are often able to blend into a society and appear to be American, British, French or any other number of nationalities. This site will provide you with some tips and tricks to help you recognize a Canadian no matter where you are.

 

This site is for entertainment purposes only. "How to Spot a Canadian" is filled with humour, satire, hyperbole, parody and sarcasm. All statements here should be taken with a grain of salt or a bottle of maple syrup, whatever the case may be.

They're Polite

You don't have to be a frequent reader of this website to know that Canadians are polite. If you have ever met a Canadian you instantly noticed that fact.

But Canadians aren't just polite. They're obnoxiously polite. If they bump into someone THEY apologize. But that's not all. Canadians have been known to apologize for bumping into inanimate objects. It's quite common to see a Canadian bump into the edge of a table and say "Sorry." And that's not just a slip of the tongue. Canadians are actually concerned for the table's feelings.

But it doesn't end there.

Canada is a country filled with people opening doors for others, smiles, thank yous and orderly line-ups. Canadians help and share and love whenever possible, even if it is completely inappropriate to do so. It's like some bizarre utopia that also happens to include beavers, poutine and hockey.

Ironically it is the game of hockey that causes Canadians to throw their politeness out the door. It's a proven fact that if you put even the kindest, gentlest Canadian in front of a hockey game they will almost instantly be turned into an aggressive, blood-thirsty, angry monster. All of the rage that they build up while helping and thanking others comes out when the puck hits the ice.

Why do you think hockey is the one professional team sport that allows fighting? It's because Canadians need it. They need the outlet. They've spent their lives apologizing to tables and now they need to get that anger out. And hockey is the one socially acceptable place for them to vent their frustrations. This fact is true for Canadians who are watching the game as well as those who are playing it. To a Canadian it's not real hockey unless someone is bleeding.

I've watched as a little old lady baked a batch of cookies, kissed a child on the forehead and then sat down in front of an NHL game and screamed "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" for three straight periods.

Hockey is also where riots come from. Montreal's famed "Richard Riot" was caused by a hockey game. In fact, if you look at some obscure history books that are no longer in print, you will likely find that the war of 1812 was also caused by a hockey game. Unfortunately the modern media has repressed that fact.

Or not.

Regardless, a good way to spot a Canadian is to see how polite they are. True Canadians will respond to even the most brutal insults with an apology and an offer to join them for a warm cup of maple syrup back at their igloo.

A better way to spot a Canadian is to sit them in front of a hockey game. If they instantly turn into a vicious goon who feeds on the blood of the opposing team, you have definitely found a real Canadian.

Once that Canadian is found using this method it is best to leave the room until the game is over. At the conclusion of the game the Canadian will revert back to their former personality almost instantly. The process may take longer if their team lost. This Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk transformation is a definite Canadian trait and it should be treated with the utmost respect and fear.
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5 comments:

  1. expei said...
     

    as example of polite is the fascination with curling - one of the most polite of sports and therefore enormously popular in Canada. Hand shakes before the game and after and imagine the winners always buy the losers a drink to say they are sorry for winning.

  2. gilliebean said...
     

    Hey! I resemble that remark!

  3. expei said...
     

    did i say it was bad? I love curling I am canadian after all

  4. HowToSpotACanadian.ca said...
     

    I always thought curling was lame, but then I watched it a few times and I actually like it.

  5. Rob said...
     

    Its also a drinking game, every single curling rink I've been too is liscenced and has a bar built in. The beer is stored inside the arena to keep it cold at all times.

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