How to Spot a Canadian

Tracking down Canadians one toque at a time.

About this Site...

Canadians are a tricky people to distinguish. They are often able to blend into a society and appear to be American, British, French or any other number of nationalities. This site will provide you with some tips and tricks to help you recognize a Canadian no matter where you are.

 

This site is for entertainment purposes only. "How to Spot a Canadian" is filled with humour, satire, hyperbole, parody and sarcasm. All statements here should be taken with a grain of salt or a bottle of maple syrup, whatever the case may be.

They Secretly Want to Burn Down the White House Again, Just for Fun

In 1814, during the War of 1812 (yes, the war of 1812 continued after 1812 ended) a group of British soldiers set Washington D.C ablaze. Included in the buildings damaged by the fire was the White House. The fire was in retaliation for the Americans burning down the Parliament Buildings of Upper Canada, which sat in what is now Toronto.

It was the only major war between the United States and what is now Canada.

Many Canadians look back on the War of 1812 favourably, despite the fact that none of them were alive during the time. It's considered a time when Canada and the United States were equal in terms of military might. (The fact that Britain provided Canada with much of its military power is largely ignored.)

The war is also known for the creation of two great American symbols. The Star Spangled Banner was written during a battle and the White House was repainted white following the fire.

Now, the White House was white before the burning, but the fire drew attention to the fact that it was white. Conversely, the Parliament buildings that were burned in Canada are now a parking lot for a car dealership.

Canadians love that they were the cause of these two great American symbols. They love to point out that the house of the President was once burned by Canadian forces. But it's not just the history Canadians love. They all secretly want to burn down the White House again.

Most Canadians have a love/hate relationship with the United States. They hate the brash, cocky attitude of the country, but they love the television programming. They despise the way the United States tries to police the world, but they appreciate a good Big Mac. They fear that increasing globalization will cause their larger neighbour to overwhelm them, but they love Obama.

And it's this begrudging admiration that causes Canadians to want to remain individuals, but still be acknowledged by the US.

The easiest way to achieve this is to burn down the White House.

Sure, the average Canadian will deny such ambitions. They will say that such a dream is terrorism and condemn the very idea. But inside the heart of every hockey-loving Canuck lies the soul of a pyromaniac.

Now Canadians don't want to hurt anyone, that's just not their way. They don't even want to burn now the White House as a political symbol. They don't want to cause any trouble, they just want to be noticed.

If the President and his family would just leave the White House and the surrounding area for a little while, Canadians would be happy to start a small fire there. It would give them a chance to connect with their history while also making them the top story on CNN. Then the Canadians would happily return to the Great White North, pleased with their latest adventure.

So, if you want to spot a Canadian, simply mention that the White House will be empty for the next few days. If they pull out a gas can and a box of matches, that person is definitely a Canadian.

22 comments:

  1. raincoaster said...
     

    I don't understand. You say this like it's a BAD thing?

  2. Andro Angel said...
     

    "Inside the heart of every hockey-loving Canuck lies the soul of a pyromaniac"

    Priceless. So true.

  3. HowToSpotACanadian.ca said...
     

    I'm glad you liked it.

    I guess I'm less likely to want to torch the White House now that Bush isn't there.

  4. The Uncivilized said...
      This comment has been removed by the author.
  5. The Uncivilized said...
     

    Bush may not be in the White House, but his friends still live in Washington.

    I believe the original mission was intent was to burn down all of Washington.

    Sounds more satisfying

  6. Rob said...
     

    Americans had war with both Canada and Mexico. Large portions of mexico's territory was lost, yet Canada still remained. I think we won that one.

  7. Anonymous said...
     

    Yes, please let me know when the White House will be empty. I'm there.

  8. HowToSpotACanadian.ca said...
     

    Deal.

    I'm getting a team together.

  9. Mike said...
     

    Find a copy of "The Arrogant Worms"(perfect name for a Canadian band) song "The War of 1812".

    The last lines are:
    "Next time you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice,
    Bring a pack of matches,
    And we'll burn the Whitehouse twice!"

    Other classic lines include:
    "and the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies wah wah wah in the war of 1812"

  10. Josh of Vegreville Alberta Canada said...
     

    the white house! the white house! i wanna burn it down!!! now if only obama WASNT elected, i would burn it down if i had the chance!!!!! i hate bush. he was/is a loser. i dont know why you STUPID americans elected him twice in the first place. and you re-elected him too. how nice. he invaded afghanistan and iraq when they werent the ones involved in 9/11. so what about osama, or that other guy. he invaded them for the oil goddamn it.

  11. Josh of Vegreville Alberta Canada said...
     

    woops a typo. i said elected twice. sorry. its nine in the morning lol. im tired.

  12. Non Hockey Playing Canuck said...
     

    Typical for Americans to try to re-write history - AND, for your information - CANUCKS are a hockey team, dumbass.

    Americans always neglect to say that they are far more dependant on Canada's natural resources than we are on their TV programming.

    America might have a bigger population than Canada, but we are larger geographically (in this case, bigger IS better). I mean, really - do all your millions of inbreds and red-necks really make you a better country???? I think not.

  13. Non Hockey Playing Canuck said...
     

    OH, yes.....as for the Big Macs - America might have started them, but Canada makes them better. CANADA has double Big Mac - America doesn't!!!!!!!!

  14. Non Hockey Playing Canuck said...
     

    I just want to mention that I am well aware that this article is a parody that was written by a Canadian, but I wrote my comments for the many Americans who will undoubtedly read this article and think it was written by an American, and say "yeah....stupid Canadians...." LOL

  15. Anonymous said...
     

    Some people just need to do research. The British burned down the White House. you tihnk it was Cqanadians just ebcause those British lived in Canada. Sorry, they were British. Canada didn't do shit.

  16. Anonymous said...
     

    This is very funny! I'm a Canadian, and reading this makes me smile. It's very true -- I'll admit it! I read half the article and I was thinking to myself 'well, I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. And I'd want to take all the art and important papers and technology, then yeah let's burn it down!" But it isn't about being noticed, it's about puncturing a hole in that cocky American attitude that irks us so.

  17. Anonymous said...
     

    Well, technically, the Star Spangled Banner poem was only written. The music is a BRITISH DRINKING SONG! That is also something Canadians, like myself, have a good laugh over.

  18. BeaverLover said...
     

    Whats even funnier than watching Americans puff and preen and praise to god all thinks yankee doodle dummy, is how they will be remembered throughout history. Example; During WW2 Canadian forces invaded, fought and beat back the Germans from Italy. We suffered many casualties, but the US generals felt their troops "needed a moral boost", and rolled into Italy ahead of us waving American flags and yelling from their tanks "Siete stato liberato!". A truly defining moment for the United Fakes of America.

  19. wrought iron bar stools said...
     

    I think that is so nice, when it comes to furniture hope it can make a better place for dreams to come true.

  20. Anonymous said...
     

    I'm a little shocked to read so much angst against the USA .I for one and many of my friends love Canadians and thank you for helping to save our hostages back during the Iran Embassy Crisis. Come on guys lets be friends.

  21. Anonymous said...
     

    Anonymous .... we don't hate every single American..... only about 90%

  22. CanadianJesus said...
     

    This is completely untrue. We don't secretly want to burn down the White House.. We are very open about wanting to burn it down.

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